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Before meeting my husband four years ago, I was able to lose 75 pounds and achieve my ideal weight according to my doctor. Since my wedding two years ago, I've gained all 75 pounds back and added an additional 25. I don't have a problem with my weight (I stopped gaining weight a year ago), but my husband says he can't get very excited about sex anymore, as I look nothing like the woman he met. He works out regularly and is in excellent physical shape. I hate exercise and love to eat. I feel great about the way I look, but I'm angry that he can be so shallow. What can he do to solve this problem?
-- Washington
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Dear Washington:
So it's all his fault, is it?
Hmm. I feel an unpopular answer coming on.
Yes, the most noticeable effect of your lifestyle change was on your appearance -- but that doesn't automatically make your husband shallow for being turned off. You didn't gain weight because you got older or sick or pregnant with his 17 kids. You made a conscious, unilateral choice to sit around and eat -- and that makes your appearance a direct reflection of your values. Rejecting values is hardly shallow.
You can still argue he never loved you for your immutable inner self, but I can argue just as emphatically that you knowingly misrepresented that inner self.
When you met your husband, you weren't conducting yourself as someone who hates exercise and loves to eat. You waited two years, until after the vows were exchanged. (Coincidence? Even you can't think so.) Which means the way you presented yourself to him was a lie.
Does this mean you're obligated to keep living that lie ever after? No. You're free to be yourself, of course. But it does mean you need to admit to the lie, and apologize for it. And it means your husband, now that he knows the real you, is just as free to find it unattractive. Without being labeled a pig.
He should have known better. He should have seen old pictures of her big bloated ass, should have met the mom so he could see what kind of damage the years are going to cause. He should have saw it coming. He only has himself to blame.
Sounds like its not going to work out. But there are plenty of guys out there who like females with more weight on their bones.
I don't think its shallow, just his preference. Whats dumb is for some chubby female to think a guy who works out all the time into fitness is going to want to stick around and screw her right.
Its a lifestyle choice and if they are not compatible on that level well there ya go.
She needs to decide which she likes better, eating or fucking.
Originally posted by cherrylula@Dec 10 2003, 04:22 PM
She needs to decide which she likes better, eating or fucking.
like many, she might insist that obesity is a disease and that its genetic and like Melody on netpond two years ago might try to argue that its something that can't be controlled... only managed.
Originally posted by JR@Dec 10 2003, 04:25 PM maybe she just needs sympathy and understanding.
They call it chocolate. ; )
Actually a close family member to me has an over-eating disorder and is on meds so she doesn't get depressed and binge eat. It can be a very unhealthy thing.
Originally posted by JR@Dec 10 2003, 08:25 PM like many, she might insist that obesity is a disease and that its genetic and like Melody on netpond two years ago might try to argue that its something that can't be controlled... only managed.
maybe she just needs sympathy and understanding.
I've said it once and I'll say it again - show me some identical twins where one is obese and one isn't and I'll believe it when people say it isn't genetic. Even identical twins who grew up separate weigh w/in 10-15 pounds of each other. And there's no way they were all eating the same thing and exercising the same amount of time.
This is one of the things my brother studied when he was working on his PhD and it really is amazing when you look at it in that light.
Interesting. I can't say I have read much on the genetics traits regarding obesity or know much about it.
I do know two female siblings, same parents, and they are both complete opposites with their weight. One tends to over eat when stressed, and the other has the opposite problem, lack of appetite.
No clue about the genetics, although the younger sister was raised eating much more fast food than the older sister, who had home cooked meals mostly before their parents had seperated.
Originally posted by JR@Dec 10 2003, 08:37 PM The Twin anlogy is crazy because identical twins would also have identical or at the very least similar behaviors... and thus, similar outcomes.
How so? They eat the same food and exercise the same their entire LIVES? And how do you explain the ones who were adopted as babies and didn't even grow up in the same areas? These are also w/in 10-15 pounds of each other at adulthood. It's probably also why my brother and my father have the exact same bodies now that they're older, even though they haven't lived together since my brother was 8. :P
Seriously, this was one of the things my brother studied in genetics.
I agree that if you DO have a propensity to be overweight, you can exercise and watch what you eat. My mother is 5'0" and weighs 100 pounds. She also excercises at LEAST an hour every day and literally starves herself. She is in terrible shape healthwise but it's worth it to her. OTOH, I also know very thin people who WANT to gain weight, and cannot.
Originally posted by [Labret]@Dec 10 2003, 04:46 PM I think those few that get into the 500 to 700lb range may have an argument.
But the gigantic herds of 300lb women roaming the malls of America? Thats not genetic, thats just an above average American.
i agree. people are using circumstantial and weak evidence to support an argument that its enevitable for fat people to be fat by simply pointing out the fact that they are fat.
what is the "genetic" connection? what is the "gene"?
are you saying people can't eat well and exercise and be in good shape?... instead they will just continue to gain weight, because they can't help it?
its simple phsyics. you consume energy... you expend energy. if you expend less energy than you consume, you have a surplus. that surplus gets stored as fat.
Originally posted by Peaches@Dec 10 2003, 04:45 PM
I agree that if you DO have a propensity to be overweight, you can exercise and watch what you eat. My mother is 5'0" and weighs 100 pounds. She also excercises at LEAST an hour every day and literally starves herself. She is in terrible shape healthwise but it's worth it to her. OTOH, I also know very thin people who WANT to gain weight, and cannot.
if she over exercises and under eats, she should be unhealthy. you can't starve your body into being healthy.
there are a variety of reasons why thin people can't gain weight. that does not mean that being overweight is "genetic". the argument that it is "Genetic" means that its out of your control. I dont think anyone who undestands anything about nutrition or phsyiology will agree with you. You always have a choice. For some its easier, for some its harder... but its not fair to suggest that just because someone is overweight IT MUST be genetic.
Originally posted by JR@Dec 10 2003, 08:50 PM are you saying people can't eat well and exercise and be in good shape?... instead they will just continue to gain weight, because they can't help it?
100% correct. There are MANY studies of people who excercise daily (including running, weight lifting, etc.), eat healthy and in fact ARE healthy (good bp, heart rate, cholesterol, etc.), but weigh enough to be considered "overweight" and even "obese".
Originally posted by JR@Dec 10 2003, 08:54 PM but its not fair to suggest that just because someone is overweight IT MUST be genetic.
No, I don't think it MUST be genetic - we all know a lot of overweight people eat like crap and don't exercise (I happen to have a VERY close relationship with one of them......), but I think it's a lot more genetic than people give credit to.
Again, I'm basing this on my brother's studies. He worked in genetics for his PhD and was also still studying genetics during his post doctorate work. I doubt he has any of his old stuff around, but he'll be here for Christmas and I'll see if he can post some studies that might be accessable.
One funny thing - my 100 pound mother STILL has a wide ass.
I don't agree that it's genetic.
I do however think that much of it is physical - there are problems with thyroids, patuitary glands, etc that affect weight and these things *cannot* be helped.
Most of it though (IMO) is laziness and lack of willpower. Willpower as in going through the grocery store without buying ice cream and frozen pizzas, willpower to pick up an orange or an apple instead of pulling a piece of cheesecake out of the fridge.
Laziness of course to not exercise, but also being too lazy to cook a meal and instead hitting the McD's drive-thru, slapping a frozen meal into the microwave, or just eating an entire bag of snack doodles rather than getting up and cooking yourself something to eat.
I think it all starts in the brain. If you can train yourself that certain foods aren't "treats" or "soothers", and know that there's really no reason to be eating something because it's so ungodly unhealthy for you, and keep from even bringing these things into your house, then you'll have a much easier time with your weight.
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Originally posted by JR@Dec 10 2003, 09:23 PM Again, its physics. you cant take less calories in than you expend and gain weight. its not possible. To gain weight, you must have a surplus or calories. SO.. you can't run, lift etc and burn 3500 calories a day and gain weight without consuming MORE than 3500 calories per day.
my friend owns www.musclemagazine.com. its one of the best sources of information about nutrition and exercise on the web. Read about dieting there. Read how hard they work, how much they try, about the sacrifices, how much experimentation it takes to get it right... then tell them "sorry guys, its genetic".
And I will guarantee you that each person who your friend works with doesn't eat the same nor exercise the same to be equally as fit as they are. Their genetics might required Jimmy to exercise twice as much as Jeremy and half as much as Bob and they'll all have the same fitness level. Ditto with what they put into their bodies.
I'll see what info I can dig up from my brother. It was the only study he's ever done that interested me, hehehe.
Originally posted by Peaches@Dec 10 2003, 05:32 PM
And I will guarantee you that each person who your friend works with doesn't eat the same nor exercise the same to be equally as fit as they are. Their genetics might required Jimmy to exercise twice as much as Jeremy and half as much as Bob and they'll all have the same fitness level. Ditto with what they put into their bodies.
I'll see what info I can dig up from my brother. It was the only study he's ever done that interested me, hehehe.
yes, there is always some degree of individuality to the numbers and results. however, that individuality can be attributed to countless interrelated factors...
use body building as an example. to trigger muscle growth, there are two important factors... fatigue and intensity of muscle contraction. after that, you have to worry about other factors which play crucial roles which include;
over training/under training
supplementation (protein, creatine, aminos etc),
hydration (drinking enough fluids, preferrably water)
sleep (quality and duration of sleep play a major role)
too much aerobics
and the list can go on... and it can have NOTHING to do with genetics... and how would you compare and contrast those factors between individuals?
One person sleeping better than another can yield very different results. It should not be assumed to be genetic just because a difference exists.
Many factors are important and impossible to measure when comparing two people... for example, how do i know that my "100% effort" is really 100%. Maybe i just think it is. How do we measure my "100% effort" against the guy we are comparing me too? Maybe my "100%" is 85% to him. Maybe he likes the pain or he can summon every last bit of strength to push himself just a little farther than i do myself.
In spite of all these and other factors that play important roles in muscle growth... people are still quick to blame genetics and are doing themselves a TREMENDOUS disservice because with few simple adjustments, they could start seeing better results.
Diets and eating is much like that. Just to say "i know people who... blah blah blah" does not prove anything because even though they are doing many things right, they can still be doing many things wrong that negate those efforts.
The best step towards personal change is personal accountability
My younger brother weighs nearly 300 lbs and has real problems controlling his weight; but I (same parents) ate like a big, ol' fat pig at his house Thanksgiving and LOST 3 lbs (I now weigh 225).
Originally posted by Torone@Dec 11 2003, 08:58 AM Make of it what you will...
My younger brother weighs nearly 300 lbs and has real problems controlling his weight; but I (same parents) ate like a big, ol' fat pig at his house Thanksgiving and LOST 3 lbs (I now weigh 225).
Note I was referring to identical twins.
My blood brother (I have a step also) and I share NO similarities in looks, temperaments or personalities. Our entire lives someone thought one of us was adopted.
12-10-2003
opcorn:
Even identical twins who grew up separate weigh w/in 10-15 pounds of each other. And there's no way they were all eating the same thing and exercising the same amount of time.
Their genetics might required Jimmy to exercise twice as much as Jeremy and half as much as Bob and they'll all have the same fitness level. Ditto with what they put into their bodies. 
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