it's tough to be a Jew....

[Winetalk.com]

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets
with their rabbi for counseling. The rabbi asks if they have any last
questions before they leave. The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tra-
dition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the
reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always
dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."

"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!," replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah within marriage, to
have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man?

"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"

"From behind with my wife on her knees?"

"Sure! Another mitzvah!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of
vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a sex video?"

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No." says the rabbi.

"Why not?" asks the man.

"Could lead to dancing."

[Almighty Colin]

It's hard to be a Jew on Christmas.
My friends wont let me join in any games.
And I cant sing Christmas songs
Or decorate a Christmas tree
Or leave water out for Rudolph
`Cause there's something wrong with me.
My people don't believe in Jesus Christ's divinity.

I'm a Jew,
A lonely Jew
On Christmas.
Hanukkah is nice but why is it
That Santa passes over my house every year?

And instead of eating ham I have to eat kosher latkes
Instead of Silent Night I'm singing
Hoo Hact Toh Gaveesh
And what the fuck is up with lighting all these
Fucking candles please?

I'm a Jew,
A lonely Jew
I can't be merry
`Cause I'm Hebrew
On Christmas.

Celebrity Guest: Hey little boy I couldn't help but hear
Your feeling left out of Christmas cheer
And I've come to say that you shouldn't be sad
This is the one month you should be glad

`Cause its nice to be a Jew on Christmas.
You don't have to deal with the season at all.
You don't have to be on your best behavior or give to charity.
You don't have to have to go to grandma's house with your alcoholic family.

Kyle: And I don't have to sit on some fake Santa's lap
And have him breath is stinky breath on me.

Celebrity Guest: That's right, your a Jew!

Kyle: A styling Jew!

Together: Its a good time to be Hebrew,
On Christmas...

Celebrity Guest: On Christmas

[XXXPhoto]

We all know you are a Russian Baptist Serge...