Who is right? Who is wrong?

[JR]

http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/hax/151709_hax10.html



Dear Carolyn:

Before meeting my husband four years ago, I was able to lose 75 pounds and achieve my ideal weight according to my doctor. Since my wedding two years ago, I've gained all 75 pounds back and added an additional 25. I don't have a problem with my weight (I stopped gaining weight a year ago), but my husband says he can't get very excited about sex anymore, as I look nothing like the woman he met. He works out regularly and is in excellent physical shape. I hate exercise and love to eat. I feel great about the way I look, but I'm angry that he can be so shallow. What can he do to solve this problem?

-- Washington

=========

::: REPLY ::::

=========

Dear Washington:

So it's all his fault, is it?

Hmm. I feel an unpopular answer coming on.

Yes, the most noticeable effect of your lifestyle change was on your appearance -- but that doesn't automatically make your husband shallow for being turned off. You didn't gain weight because you got older or sick or pregnant with his 17 kids. You made a conscious, unilateral choice to sit around and eat -- and that makes your appearance a direct reflection of your values. Rejecting values is hardly shallow.

You can still argue he never loved you for your immutable inner self, but I can argue just as emphatically that you knowingly misrepresented that inner self.

When you met your husband, you weren't conducting yourself as someone who hates exercise and loves to eat. You waited two years, until after the vows were exchanged. (Coincidence? Even you can't think so.) Which means the way you presented yourself to him was a lie.

Does this mean you're obligated to keep living that lie ever after? No. You're free to be yourself, of course. But it does mean you need to admit to the lie, and apologize for it. And it means your husband, now that he knows the real you, is just as free to find it unattractive. Without being labeled a pig.