I'm stuck on you....

[Carrie]

You can't enter the returns department until you've met three conditions:
1 - You must be at least 40
2 - You must be divorced at least once
3 - You must have a shiny new (preferably red and convertible) sports car

At that point you can get a much younger, giggly replacement who is not yet skilled in the finesse of mind games, thinks you're the best thing since sliced bread, and will let you blow your wad all over her face without complaint. Free exchanges anytime.
Don't expect any deep, meaningful conversation though.