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Nickatilynx · 09-29-2004

LOL , vick

Maybe we should do it.

Btw here is a link to my favourite "magician"

Tommy Cooper

classic old jokes as he performed his tricks badly , like...

This trick is so easy a 3 yr old could do it , wish she was here.

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'. I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'. He said 'How can I help?'. I said 'Break my arms!'

My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'. I had the car out in thirty seconds.

I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt. Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins.

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

I went to the doctor. He said 'you've got a very serious illness'. I said 'I want a second opinion'. He said 'all right, you're ugly as well'.

I've always been unlucky. I had a rocking horse once, and it died.

My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs. She won, she had the hammer.

I hurt my back the day. I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off.

'I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs.... but she's good with the kids...'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'your round.' The Other one says 'so are you, you fat b*stard'

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress. He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot. He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away. Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by. When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him. It was a different elephant.

09-29-2004	#26
Nickatilynx Banned Want to see your own Advertising Here! Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Vancouver Canada Posts: 15,115	LOL , vick Maybe we should do it. Btw here is a link to my favourite "magician" Tommy Cooper classic old jokes as he performed his tricks badly , like... This trick is so easy a 3 yr old could do it , wish she was here. 'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.' So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'. I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'. He said 'How can I help?'. I said 'Break my arms!' My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'. I had the car out in thirty seconds. I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt. Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already. I went to the doctor. He said 'you've got a very serious illness'. I said 'I want a second opinion'. He said 'all right, you're ugly as well'. I've always been unlucky. I had a rocking horse once, and it died. My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs. She won, she had the hammer. I hurt my back the day. I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off. 'I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs.... but she's good with the kids...' Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'your round.' The Other one says 'so are you, you fat b*stard' A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.' Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in. This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress. He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot. He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away. Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by. When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him. It was a different elephant.