REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE CONVENTION SCHEDULE
New York, NY
6:00 p.m. - Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell
6:30 p.m. - Pledge of Allegiance
6:35 p.m. - Ceremonial Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd Amendment)
6:45 p.m. - Salute to the "Coalition of the Willing"
6:46 p.m. - Seminar #1: Katherine Harris on "Are Elections Really Necessary?"
7:30 p.m. - Announcement: Lincoln Memorial Renamed for Ronald Reagan
7:35 p.m. - Trent Lott - "Re-segregation in the 21st Century"
7:40 p.m. - EPA Address #1: "Mercury: It's What's for Dinner"
8:00 p.m. - Vote on which country to invade next
8:10 p.m. - Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh
8:15 p.m. - John Ashhahahahaha Lecture: "The Homos Are After Your Children"
8:30 p.m. - Round table discussion on reproductive rights (Men Only)
8:50 p.m. - Seminar #2: "Corporations: The Government of the Future"
9:00 p.m. - Condi Rice sings "Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man"
9:05 p.m. - Phyllis Schlafly speaks on "Why Women Shouldn't Be Leaders"
9:10 p.m. - EPA Address #2: "Trees: The Real Cause of Forest Fires"
9:30 p.m. - Break for secret meetings
10:00 p.m. - Second Prayer led by Cal Thomas
10:15 p.m. - Carl Rove Lecture: "Doublespeak Made Simple"
10:30 p.m. - Rumsfeld Lecture/Demonstration: "How to Squint and Talk Macho Even When You Feel Squishy Inside"
10:35 p.m. - Bush demonstration of trademark "deer in headlights" stare
10:40 p.m. - John Ashhahahahaha Demonstration: New Mandatory Kevlar Chastity Belt
10:45 p.m. - GOP's Tribute to Tokenism, featuring Colin Powell & Condi Rice
10:46 p.m. - Ann Coulter's Tribute to "Joe McCarthy, American Patriot"
10:50 p.m. - Seminar #3: "Education: A Drain on Our Nation's Economy"
11:10 p.m. - Hilary Clinton Piņata
11:20 p.m. - John Ashhahahahaha Lecture: "Evolutionists: A Dangerous New Cult"
11:30 p.m. - Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again
11:35 p.m. - Blame Clinton
11:40 p.m. - Newt Gingrich speaks on "The Sanctity of Marriage"
11:41 p.m. - Announcement: Ronald Reagan to be added to Mt. Rushmore
11:50 p.m. - Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself
Midnight - Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord
P.S. Fuck Bush
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